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20121031
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 81 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 10, 2012 11:30pm PDT
( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that is our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00, the great pta will be joining us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> only pawn in game of life. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, our educational problems have new answers which we copied off the chinese kid in front of us. ( laughter ) them our nation's highways are in trouble. someone must have told them they were adopted. ( laughter ). plus my guest naomi wolf has a new book called "vagina." now i'm no english major but i detect a subtle sexual subtex. ( laughter ). the new york aquarium has a new baby walrus-- great, another brooklyn hipster with a ridiculous mustache. ( laughter ). this is the "colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: awfully nice. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report, good to have you with us. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, it is kind of that time of year to ask the question is this not-- ( cheers an
Comedy Central
Oct 15, 2012 11:30pm PDT
with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you sop much. i'm not sure, i'm so thrilled by that ovation but i'm not sure whether you are actually clapping for me or just trying to shake all the rain off your arms. but folks, you know me. i love seeing mankind overcome obstacles. that's why i'm always pushing chairs in front of people. (laughter) and yesterday, another barrier fell as daredevil felix baumgartner became the first man to-- aaaahhhh-- (laughter) felix baumgartner became the first man to break the sound barrier in freefall. parachuting from a record altitude of 24 miles. ladies and gentlemen, this proves that our days of human exploration are not over. because we did it! we put a man on the earth! (laughter) (cheers and applause) it's a brave same world. (laughter) and folks, millions around the world tuned in to witness this historic event and or hideously gruesome death. (laughter) but the real vi
Comedy Central
Oct 18, 2012 11:30pm PDT
playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow, that is good stuff. ladies and gentlemen, folks, thank you so much. you're so good at that. it's almost like not the first time you've done that. now nation, welcome to the show. thank you for being with us. we're only 19 days away from the election. and president obama's hollywood allies are already trying to steal it. he's been endorsed by everyone from george clooney to neil patrick harris, to beyonce and jay-z to leonardo dicaprio, ellen degeneres and stephen de spielberg. it's like an episode of dancing with the stars but with stars. and so far, so far, folks, my man mitt just has clint eastwood, donnie and marie os bond, the lady from northern exposure and i want to say joy behar's older sister. (laughter) that is who that is. but now mitt has picked up the biggest endorsement of all. >> there is a squirrel in south carolina who folks say can pick presidential winners. four years a
Comedy Central
Oct 22, 2012 11:30pm PDT
to have you with us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. nation, tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former governor mitt romney and future former president barack obama. [ laughter ] i'm tivoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservate romney kicked the lethargic or energetic obama's ass. love laugh a lot of option there's. -- options there. [ laughter ] of course, these debates may not matter at all. because there's one issue that could invalidate the entire election. >> voter fraud it's a big concern in this case. >> voter fraud allegations. voter fraud? >> stephen: yes, voter fraud. now, i'm not going to bore you with any shocking examples of voter fraud because it is virtually non-existent. [ laughter ] but i say we can't be too careful, folks. anybody voting that i don't personally know is kind of suspicious. [ laughter ] thankfully, there are some heroes out there trying to keep this process pure. >> a republican worker is arrested for voter fraud. >> he is a contractor. >> someone working at a business in a local g.o.p. headquarters
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 10:30am PDT
mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, fellas, god forgives you. (laughter) (whispering) but i never will. i'd also like to toast my je
Comedy Central
Oct 16, 2012 10:30am PDT
! that's when you stepped up and called on us again. oh, you know what, you should have called norway. you seem to be on great terms with those guys. well, you know what? maybe the united states will just take the next global conflict off. keep us and our massive peacekeeping military at home. maybe give ourselves a people's choice award. (laughter) after all, we haven't had a war since 1945, that we've declared. (laughter) next up on the-- folk, while i'm no fan of vegetation i believe our schools can teach our children one thing. it can teach them their place in social pecking order. because the table you sit at for lunch is the table you'll sit at for the rest of your life. i sat with the most popular group. the av club. and now i work in both audio and video. but a new bit of liberal social engineering is threatening the natural order. >> it's called mix it up at lunch day. october 30th is the day, it encourages kids to sit with classmates that they normally wouldn't talk to. mix it up at lunch is about breaking up cliques. >> don't fall for it, kids. mix it up at lunch day is an
Comedy Central
Oct 19, 2012 7:00pm PDT
, welcome to the show. thank you for being with us. we're only 19 days away from the election. and president obama's hollywood allies are already trying to steal it. he's been endorsed by everyone from george clooney to neil patrick harris, to beyonce and jay-z to leonardo dicaprio, ellen degeneres and stephen de spielberg. it's like an episode of dancing with the stars but with stars. and so far, so far, folks, my man mitt just has clint eastwood, donnie and marie os bond, the lady from northern exposure and i want to say joy behar's older sister. (laughter) that is who that is. but now mitt has picked up the biggest endorsement of all. >> there is a squirrel in south carolina who folks say can pick presidential winners. four years ago they set up two bowls of nuts. an obama bowl an mccain bowl. he preferred the obama nuts and this year he favors romney nuts. (laughter) >> stephen: there it. (cheers and applause) folks, get used to the term president romney. hmmmm, hmmmm. oh that leaves a real taste in your mouth. what is that? i think that's-- that's romney nuts. (laughter) hmmmm, hmmmm. (
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 10:30am PDT
. >> this is an email from arthur allen, president and ceo of asg software solutions. subject: will the us presidental election directly impact your future jobs at asg? i can tell you if the us reelects president obama, our chances of staying independent are are slim to none. if we fail as a nation to make the right choice and we lose our independence as a company, i don't want to hear any complaints regarding the fallout that will most likely come. >> stephen: yeah. if these ceos or their companies have their taxes raised, you employees will lose your jobs. which would be terrible, because then you couldn't work at that great place where your boss threatens you! [ laughter ] now some call this ceo blackmail. but, folks, i just call it efficient use of resources. [ laughter ] why waste hundreds of millions of dollars on super pac ads that may or may not be effective, when you can deliver a message that will really hit home -- "vote for romney or you'll lose your home." [ laughter ] and it's also great for the employees. as westgate timeshare ceo david siegel told bloomberg business week, quote, "i've
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 11:30pm PDT
, it is interesting what he said as he was leaving, he said that was great. i will be back. and it was weird. join us tomorrow. here is your moment of zen. >> here is your tip, guys. if you want to prosper in our very competitive society you have to have a nice appearance. if you wear crummy shoes, people notice. when you buy the shoes, pony up and get the best ones you can afford. i have bali shoes from eight captioning sponsored by comedy central ready to go ready to go captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: hey, look at you. come on. welcome to the report! (cheers and applause) good to have you with us. ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! wow. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. folks, you spoil me. you know, ladies and gentlemen, i am a huge fan of republican vice presidential candidate and jersey boys understudy paul ryan. which is why i am enraged. because this weekend this good man was attacked by the liberal hacks over at fox news. (laughter) just listen to chris wallace
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 1:30am PDT
you with us. ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! wow. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. folks, you spoil me. you know, ladies and gentlemen, i am a huge fan of republican vice presidential candidate and jersey boys understudy paul ryan. which is why i am enraged. because this weekend this good man was attacked by the liberal hacks over at fox news. (laughter) just listen to chris wallace drilling ryan over romney's proposed 20% across account board tax cut. >> the obama camp says independent groups say if you cut those tax rates for everybody 20%, it costs $5 trillion over ten years, true? >> not in the least bit true. >> stephen: true, not true, who cares? (laughter) it's over ten years. romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how much would it cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> i'm talking about the cut, we'll get to the deductions.
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 11:30pm PDT
(cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. senator rand paul will be joining us. here it, is your moment of zen. >> creed front man scott staff on why he's switching his vote from obama to romney this time. >> my heart and soul would really love someone like reagan. y captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, should churches endorse candidates? well, can you make an attack ad out of stained glass? (laughter) then, the candidates prepare for tomorrow night's debate. president obama has a whole new set of long pauses to memorize. (laughter) and my guest is univision news anchor jorge ramos. but it's my show so i'm going to call him george raymond. (laughter) the lead singer of creed says he won't endorse president obama! well, that settles it, obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"
Comedy Central
Oct 15, 2012 7:00pm PDT
and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting -- i know what who is going to win because the key to winning one of these debates is to lower expectations about your speaking skills. and biden's been doing that for four years. [ laughter ] plus he's gonna win. because the liberal media fix is in. >> critics raising concerns about the moderator in tomorrow's vice-presidential clear political bias. it turns out president obama attended abc correspondent martha raddatz first wedding back in 1991. this thing goes deep, folks. [ laughter ] 21 years ago barack obama attended debate moderator. martha raddatz's w
Comedy Central
Oct 3, 2012 10:30am PDT
and gentlemen. welcome to the "report." thank you for joining us. well, folks, that is the song that never ends. (laughter) folks, today is the biggest day in the history of publishing. since steve guttenberg invented the bible. (laughter) because today is the official publishing date of my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) i wrote it! what! whoo! wait, wait, wait! stop, stop, stop! jimmy, jimmy, what's with the balloons? i thought we agreed we were going to drop books. (laughter) >> they would have killed you, stephen, they're too heavy. >> stephen: well, obviously we would fill them with helium! duh! (laughter) anyway, america again sets forth bold action steps that average americans can take to reclaim our country's greatness. action step number one: buy my book. (laughter) now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. it's sort of a blog for people with attention spans. (laughter) it makes a great gift for the holidays, folks: christmas, chanukah, black chanukah. so you've got your hol
Comedy Central
Oct 3, 2012 11:30pm PDT
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. bill o'reilly will be in the studio. here it is, your moment of zen. >> we just watched president obama three and a half years. i don't think he's governing this way at all. i think that's why... i think that was going to becaptioning y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, mitt romney still trails in the polls! could bit because they contain other choices? then a breakthrough in men's vitality. >> what vagina substitutes we will be throwing footballs through next and my guest is country music legend kenny rogers, i will ask him if those islands in the stream make good tax shelters. and pornographers were caught filming in the cornell university library. clearly, they could not get into the hear extraordinary library. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> colbert: welcome. that is incredible. ladies and gentlemen, thank you. good to have you with us. boy, i can feel the electric
Comedy Central
Oct 4, 2012 1:30am PDT
. that is incredible. ladies and gentlemen, thank you. good to have you with us. boy, i can feel the electricity. i can feel the electricity. ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, across america, you know why people are excited because it is a huge night. the first presidential debate just happened in denver. now, i haven't seen it yet so don't tell me what happens. if anything happens. jim. >> the buying question is do these debates really matter? >> i actually think that is the american people see the first two candidates and really start to make their mind up. >> if the debates happen really late in the cycle and by this time most americans have made up their mind. >> i think the debates don't matter much. >> they matter and they have matter add great deal, some years a they have not mattered t all. >> colbert: so, we pundits don't know whether debates matter but we do know whether debate over whether debates matter, matter. >> bottom line, bottom line, these meaningless, useless debates are crucial. especially for the romney campaign. >> the romney campaign looks at this as very, very important
Comedy Central
Oct 26, 2012 1:30am PDT
the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, baseless decimations of who is going to win. now this much we know, folks. the election could be swung by one key voting bloc. >> women! >> stephen: yes! it's the ladies! who are they going to vote for? well, according to a new report on cnn.com, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study s
Comedy Central
Oct 29, 2012 10:30am PDT
[cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] happy wednesday. folks, let's get straight to it. we have no time to waste here because -- folks, huge news. we're always looking to bring you the biggest election story. and rumors started monday about a game-changing october surprise. >> donald trump now claims to have a bombshell announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might change your vote in the presidential election. >> i have something very very big. it's very big. bigger than anyone would know. it's going to be very big, i know one thing-- you will cover it in a very big fashion. >> stephen: yes, board up your windows, stock up on canned meats --this will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game-changer in the human history of time. okay? think teapot dome, only the teapot is encrusted with gold and we're using diamond tea bags. [ laughter ] the speculation was rampant. was it the long-rumored obama divorce papers? proof tha
Comedy Central
Oct 29, 2012 11:30pm PDT
to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the region. >> israel. our closest frie
Comedy Central
Oct 4, 2012 11:30pm PDT
. >> he said things that were just not accurate. >> mitt romney presented with us the ultimate etch-a-sketch behavior last night. >> romney has been accused of etch-a-sketch. last night was his greatest achievement. >> stephen: let me show you just how great an achievement it was. before the debate, mitt's campaign said romney will come across as empathetic. but here's what mitt has been promising for the last two years. >> tax cuts for the wealthiest americans. how do you make that seem warm and fuzzy? well, you just need to shake it up as hard as mitt did last night. >> so-- give it a shot. okay. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) now let's see what mitt's tax plan looks like now. okay? just need to get my tool here. okay. here we go. (cheers and applause) presto changeo. (laughter) now you see romney's policies, now you don't. we'll be right back. >> welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, if you watch the show you know that i have been fighting all year to stamp out voter fraud. because if even one fraud center shows up at the polls in november tha
Comedy Central
Oct 8, 2012 11:30pm PDT
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> tonight the still persecuted minority, don't worry brown people, we'll get back to you. >> then is a candidate's hobby fair game for campaign attacks. well, romney's hobby is campaigning. and my guest former astronaut mark kelley has written a new children's book. good night moon program. it's columbus day, don't another get to infect an indian. -- to infect an indian. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) i think you can tell by the energy energy in this room we get it on most every night. (cheers and applause) welcome, welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation, i am still glowing from last week's runnaway debate victory for mitt romney. he's got the mitt-mentum. the mo-mitt-num. the rom-nentum. there's still no word for it, it's nev
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 81 (some duplicates have been removed)